| FFA Nation

Don't Stay Angry: 6 Ways To Resolve Conflicts

01/25/2010 |

There’s no avoiding it – now and then we all face conflicts. Whether within your FFA chapter, among your friends or in your own mind, conflict is a natural part of life. And the sooner you learn how to handle it, the better off you’ll be.

“Everyone has conflicts, no matter how smart or cool they are,” says Annie Stanfield-Hagert, a psychotherapist and social worker based in Philadelphia. “Smart people accept this, learn what they can about themselves, and then control how they act. It is hard to do, but it’s the secret of many successful people.”

Common conflicts with teens include external things such as physical and verbal fights among friends or arguments between teens and their parents. Inner conflicts are also common among teens – maybe you’re struggling to fit in, you don’t feel attractive enough, or you’re stressed about schoolwork or making college plans.

“Unfairness among teachers, parents and peers is a common conflict,” says Dr. Bridget Melson, a teen psychotherapist based in Pleasanton, Calif. “That includes things like who is liked or paid attention to the most, cliques, who is invited to what party, and parental rules and boundaries.”

The best way to deal with conflicts when they rear their ugly heads? Keep your emotions in check. “See if you have any deep, dark feelings that are involved – are you jealous of others, and that’s why you’re arguing?” Hagert says. “Or did someone really hurt your pride?” Maybe you didn’t get the FFA chapter office you wanted or the lead in the school play you auditioned for. Both scenarios could trigger jealousy or hurt pride. But once you recognize that those feelings exist, the conflict becomes easier to deal with.

“Figure out what to do with the feeling. Think it through, and then decide what action is in your best interest,” Hagert says. “Learn to collaborate, negotiate or compromise. It’s good for people to learn to identify their feelings and then decide on behavior. You’ll get better and better at doing it.”

It’s often tempting to go with your gut reaction to end a conflict, but keep in mind that your immediate instincts may create even more trouble later on. “What separates us from animals is that split-second reaction,” Melson says. “We have the ability to reason first before striking out against someone physically or verbally – animals do not. The quicker a teen learns to carefully choose appropriate behavior, the quicker the brain will turn those choices into a positive habit.”

Melson offers these tried-and-true steps for resolving conflict that you can practice in difficult situations:

1. Ask yourself if the consequences are worth it. Do you want to be respected by your peers or known as the guy or girl with the unpredictable hot temper?

2. Identify the problem. Determine why it’s such a heated issue. Is it about disliking an individual, or do you feel an injustice has been done?

3. Write down any disagreements you’re having with peers or parents. Then find a time to talk with them about it when they’re in an “up” mood. Your chances for resolving the problem will skyrocket.

4. Express yourself appropriately, and let others do the same. Place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Can you see their perspective?

5. Look for common ground. This is how we learn empathy – the ability to share and understand another’s point of view.

6. Find a solution that’s accepted by all. Compromising is great training for for life.